Being an English Teacher Prepares You for Life

     Although I proudly serve as a counselor now, it was not too long ago (at least I like to think so) that I was in front of a classroom teaching resource English.  I believe that that to this day has to be my favorite subject.  In high school, I had an amazing English teacher Sister Bernadette.  I will never forget her.  She must have been 1,000 years old if a day (no I am serious).  She was very frail and had more wrinkles than my pug Buddy.  She was scary at first, but once you got to know her she captivated your heart.  That was when I decided that I wanted to teach English.  One day she told me that writing was the greatest gift she could give me.  And, she was one of the first to tell me that I had a real gift for the written word.  Over the years I let that go by the wayside.  Only to find it again as an adult.  I have a half-written great American novel, several short stories, and numerous poems that I have scribbled down over the years.  Yes, most are on regular "college-rule" notebook paper.  Sister Bernadette told us that life was a great adventure and if you looked around you would see all sorts of literary techniques playing out right before your eyes. 

Now that leads me to where this blog is going.  Foreshadowing can be seen in literature, it can be seen in movies and in life.  Today was icky here.  I had spent time this morning making sure my hair was perfect.  Okay, I know but for me it was perfect.  I took one step out side and I could actually hear my hair frizz.  Fisssss, fisss.  I looked in the mirror- oh well, not going to strut my stuff on the cat walk today, so off to work I go.  I had trouble concentrating knowing that this was "the afternoon"  when we met with the oncologist from MD Anderson.  Although the day was not a total wash.  I did get an awesome new purse and sunglasses.  It wasn't exactly great.  There was just an overwhelming feeling of dread hanging over me. I should have recognized the foreshadowing.

I think both Patrick and I expected something different.  We wanted the doctor to come in and say, "I studied your case carefully and here is what we are going to do.  We start tomorrow and you will get well."  Unfortunately that is not what we got.  We were informed that Mantle cell in not curable and it can return.  He said there were many options and several clinical trial.  Great, my husband the lab rat.  "Human experimentation and laboratory studies" were how the doctor put it.  I felt like I had been hit in the stomach.  Don't cry was all I kept telling myself.  You have to be strong.  Well, to be honest I have never been an exceptionally good Scarlett O'Hara so I felt the tears roll down my cheek in a silent cry.  I wanted to grab that doctor and say look this is a man who I care deeply for and you aren't helping us.  I need some kind of straw to grasp.  All I kept thinking was why???  Why now, We have weathered some horrible storms from the death of a child and both sets of our parents, to marital woes, to empty nest.  It was supposed to be our time now.  Why can't I have this?  But, there are no answers.  We can't beat our self up for the things we might not ever be able to do.  Nor, can we fill our lives with regret for the things we never did. All we can do is live each day to it's fullest.  Trust in the Lord and pray for the best.  It's like Sister Bernadette told me once,  "Being an English teacher prepares you for life you open yourself up to all possibilities."  Yes, it does.  Life is an adventure that we may never know the ending because we don't write it.  That is for the reader to decide.

Sunny Day Clear Skies

Have you ever really thought obout how much faith we put in the weather man on our local TV stations?  Today is an amazing Texas day.  The day was predicted to be cold and very rainy.  In fact 80% chance of ran.  It started of rainy but not as bad as had been predicted.  Now it it 79 and not a cloud in the sky.  For January, I have the door open to let the dogs run back and forth-amazing.  I should be relaxed and mellow.  But, unfortunately, I am not.  You see, in my bedroom, my husband of 30 years is napping.  He tires easily.  He has Mantle Cell Lymphoma, a highly aggressive cancer.  We have been battling this since September 15.  It has turned our lives upside down.  When he was first diagnosed our doctors were confident that they could "cure" him.  To quote, "I am not talking treatment, I am talking cure."  That was several months ago and today we sit at day one ......again.  The confident doctors have been perplexed by my husband's response to treatment.  So much so, that he has been turned over to MD Anderson.  Well, some say this is a good thing, others say why didn't you start out there.  You know who is to say what is right and hind sight is always 20/20.  But who is to say things would have been different had we started out there.  No one really knows. 
          That is what brings me here.  There are days I feel so alone.  My family is very blessed and I should not feel that way.  In fact, there are days I feel very guilty for feeling like this.  I had never really thought about writing a blog..it seemed kind of silly.  But, the more I thought about it the more I wanted to put my feelings down.  If for no other reason to let others know they are not alone.  Why call this Shattered Dreams.....well that is what cancer does to a family.....It shatters dreams....it changes things.  Roles of individual shift.....people take on different dynamics.  As for me, I was beginning to see the end of a career as a guidance counselor.  Only three more years and I could retire.  We could travel and do things together.  Now that future is not a secure as it was 6 months ago.  We have faced so many challenges since this began.  My husband was determined to make it to our son's wedding in December.  Since his diagnosis he has spent most of each month in the hospital.  In October, he had a reaction to one of the chemo drugs that caused acute renal failure.  He had to be put on emergency kidney dialysis for a week.  He came through with no kidney damage- amazingly.  In November, his spleen exploded.  I barely got him to the hospital.  While trying to stablize him in ICU he coded and was gone for 3 minutes.  Believe it or not it was one month to the day from our son's wedding.  Once again no damage.  But, he did make it.   However, the afternoon of the wedding things began to go bad rather quickly.  Since then he has been in the hospital twice and his doctor's finally had to admit he was more than they could handle.  We are now with MD Anderson and playing a waiting game.  Each day I know the cancer is taking hold of more of my husband.  Some days are good.  But there is no predicting when those will be.  Tomorrow we have an appointment with his new oncologist to discuss the results of his latest PET scan and what course of treatment they are going to take.  This time the doctor did not say cure.  He was excited that there was no kidney damage and began to talk about some experimental treatments and new drugs they had available to them.  When he was talking to us I did a good job of looking optimistic.  I have to be for my husband.  But, I am so scared.  there are no words to describe how I feel  the unnow.  I have to put paith in these doctors like I put in the weather man.  We put our lives and plans in the hands of someone who we know little about other than:  (1)  The person went to school to learn specifically about this (2)  They should be good, they make a boat load of money  and (3) what is our other choice?  Amazing what these have in common