Sunny Day Clear Skies

Have you ever really thought obout how much faith we put in the weather man on our local TV stations?  Today is an amazing Texas day.  The day was predicted to be cold and very rainy.  In fact 80% chance of ran.  It started of rainy but not as bad as had been predicted.  Now it it 79 and not a cloud in the sky.  For January, I have the door open to let the dogs run back and forth-amazing.  I should be relaxed and mellow.  But, unfortunately, I am not.  You see, in my bedroom, my husband of 30 years is napping.  He tires easily.  He has Mantle Cell Lymphoma, a highly aggressive cancer.  We have been battling this since September 15.  It has turned our lives upside down.  When he was first diagnosed our doctors were confident that they could "cure" him.  To quote, "I am not talking treatment, I am talking cure."  That was several months ago and today we sit at day one ......again.  The confident doctors have been perplexed by my husband's response to treatment.  So much so, that he has been turned over to MD Anderson.  Well, some say this is a good thing, others say why didn't you start out there.  You know who is to say what is right and hind sight is always 20/20.  But who is to say things would have been different had we started out there.  No one really knows. 
          That is what brings me here.  There are days I feel so alone.  My family is very blessed and I should not feel that way.  In fact, there are days I feel very guilty for feeling like this.  I had never really thought about writing a blog..it seemed kind of silly.  But, the more I thought about it the more I wanted to put my feelings down.  If for no other reason to let others know they are not alone.  Why call this Shattered Dreams.....well that is what cancer does to a family.....It shatters dreams....it changes things.  Roles of individual shift.....people take on different dynamics.  As for me, I was beginning to see the end of a career as a guidance counselor.  Only three more years and I could retire.  We could travel and do things together.  Now that future is not a secure as it was 6 months ago.  We have faced so many challenges since this began.  My husband was determined to make it to our son's wedding in December.  Since his diagnosis he has spent most of each month in the hospital.  In October, he had a reaction to one of the chemo drugs that caused acute renal failure.  He had to be put on emergency kidney dialysis for a week.  He came through with no kidney damage- amazingly.  In November, his spleen exploded.  I barely got him to the hospital.  While trying to stablize him in ICU he coded and was gone for 3 minutes.  Believe it or not it was one month to the day from our son's wedding.  Once again no damage.  But, he did make it.   However, the afternoon of the wedding things began to go bad rather quickly.  Since then he has been in the hospital twice and his doctor's finally had to admit he was more than they could handle.  We are now with MD Anderson and playing a waiting game.  Each day I know the cancer is taking hold of more of my husband.  Some days are good.  But there is no predicting when those will be.  Tomorrow we have an appointment with his new oncologist to discuss the results of his latest PET scan and what course of treatment they are going to take.  This time the doctor did not say cure.  He was excited that there was no kidney damage and began to talk about some experimental treatments and new drugs they had available to them.  When he was talking to us I did a good job of looking optimistic.  I have to be for my husband.  But, I am so scared.  there are no words to describe how I feel  the unnow.  I have to put paith in these doctors like I put in the weather man.  We put our lives and plans in the hands of someone who we know little about other than:  (1)  The person went to school to learn specifically about this (2)  They should be good, they make a boat load of money  and (3) what is our other choice?  Amazing what these have in common