A Waiting Game

It is Saturday, March 5th and true to the the saying March is coming in like a lion.  It is a dreary day.  The sky is gray and there is a chill in the air.  However, this is really my favorite type of Saturday.  I don't have to go to work and I can hang out in my jammies all day long if I so choose.  Well, maybe not all day.  I do have to go pick up my dry cleaning which I was smart enough to take yesterday and get a couple of prescriptions refilled to fight the onslaught of allergy season.  But, other than that I can just hang out in my jammies.  It gives me a lot of time to think. 

One of my favorite relatives is my Cousin Jay's wife Laura.  She call it like she sees it.  Recently she asked how I was handling the "being strong" routine.  And, I have to admit that I giggled.  Boy did she have my number.  Yes, it is hard and it is a routine.  You can't lose hope, but yet as a human you begin to wonder.  I know it is in God's hands, but I have no idea what he has in store for me- for Patrick-for us.  And, I think in situations like this, God give us time to think- to wrap our minds around our situation.  Lately, I have had a lot of time to do this.  Partick has been very tired lately and has spent a great deal of time in bed.  I know you are thinking, "Why don't you just go back there and stay with him?"  Well, remember that I have four dogs and it is not fair to them to keep them kenneled 24-7 so I have to spend time in the other part of the house with them.  They are not outside dogs and the old one has to be supervised while she is inside.  So, this gives me a lot of thinking time.  Also, it gives me a lot of time to adjust to being alone.  Maybe this is the lesson God has for me.  I have to be comfortable in my own place and in my own thoughts.  Do not get me wrong, I have hope that things will be okay and my husband will be well again.  But, even then one has to be happy with themselves. 

I have never particularly liked being alone.  This stems from my being an only child.  I was alone alot.  There were no children my age in the neighborhood until we moved when I was 6.  So, I was pretty much on my own.  Well, not in my mind.  There were many imaginary friends.  My parents were big fans of westerns especially the TV show Bonanza so Little Joe Cartwright was my best friend.  It struck me strange the other day how things are coming full circle.  Hopefully, this will be temporary like it was when I was a child, but I have no guarantees.  I was able to be very content back then.  So what has changed.  Maybe I lost touch with the child within.  The one who is able to entertain herself through imagination has been put away on a shelf somewhere and I have to find her again.  I think that this is where this blog thing comes into play.  Writing for me is not just of getting rid of emotional baggage it is a way to get in touch with my inner child again.  I know that this [blog] is putting it out there for everyone to see and I could do this in a notebook I keep under my bed.  But, for me it helps me be honest with myself.  And, just maybe someone else is feeling this same way and it will help them know that what they are feeling is normal.  So, back to Laura's comment on the strong routine.  Yes, it a way it is a routine.  You have to keep a stiff upper lip.  You are not allowed to feel sorry for yourself.  My husband is gravely ill.  My needs have to take a back seat.  After all what kind of spouse would pull the poor pitiful me trip under these circumstances.  But, this is harder than you will ever know.  And, the only way you can even halfway understand is to go through it yourself.  Last month I got to spend Valentine's in the hospital with my husband and in March it looks like I will get to spend my birthday with him there again.  Yes, it is a real bummer.  I would love to go to Concan for spring break and hang out there for my birthday.  But, that is not going to be possible.  I will have to make the best of where I am going to be.  I believe that is the lesson God is trying to teach me.  Be happy where you are and enjoy the moment.