The other night on the way home, I ran in the local drug store. The girl who checked me out commented that I looked very tired and I must have been at one heck of a Super Bowl Party. I explained that I had been at the hospital with my husband. Being that she is a human and humans are naturally inquisitive, she asked what was wrong with him. I didn't feel like getting into this discussion I just wanted my highlighter pens so I could take them to work. "He, has cancer." I
"I hope, it's not bad," she replied.
"Well, I don't think that there is a cancer that is not bad," I explained to her.
"Well, you have to trust in the Lord and know that you will see him one day in heaven."
I could actually hear the breaks in my head screech and my head jerk up. There were a million smart remarks that were just wanting to jump off my tongue, but I picked up my sack, thanked her and went to the car with her yelling behind me. I didn't even really hear what she said after that. That one remark sat in my head. So, tonight I figured I would put a bit of humor in the blog. Proverbs 17:22 states, a cheerful heart is good medicine." It is for this reason I have decided to write some brief instructions on how to handle a situation where a friend, co-worker, family member or even a stranger tells you that someone they know has been touched by cancer. This is a tongue in cheek synopsis. I have used not only my personal experience but that of spouses and family members who have befriended me along this journey. This is my, I repeat, my Top 10 List .
10. Don't ask them what you can do for them. This is an innocent enough remark, however, let's be realistic, they have so much running through their minds, they don't even know what they want or need, It is a moment to moment thing. And you hear that from everyone. It is kind of like when you hear people say, Have a nice day." Do they really care or is it just the expected remark to make? If you really want to help with something, be like Nike......Just Do It. Some of the things I appreciated the most were the unexpected things people did for me. Several people where I work, took turns providing meals when my husband was first diagnosed. It was nice to just pop something in the microwave and eat when I got home from the hospital.
9. If you feel the need to fix the family a meal, don't go to the extreme. Stick to standard proteins, beef, chicken, pork etc. Rabbit and other wild game unless you really know the person is probably going to wind up in the trash. My friends were awesome. Simple casseroles, but I talked to one lady at the hospital who actually had a friend bring her "wild stew." She stated, "It looked good. There were potatoes, carrots, peas, corn, celery and meat. But, the meat didn't look like anything I had ever seen before. Then the girl told me her husband had been squirrel hunting. All, I could say was, 'Thank you.'" Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing personally against squirrel. I mean, I am from Louisiana. Shreveport to be exact-home to such notables as Vex Con Exterminating's own Billy the Exterminator. Over the course of my life I have eaten things that have come out of the mud and swamp. I may really like a good fried alligator steak with cream gravy, but I don't think I would fix it for one of my co-workers.
8. Don't ask a million questions, especially if the person has recently learned the diagnosis. Right then they have so many questions spinning around in their head, they don't need anymore. Furthermore, they don't know the answers. My husband has an uncle like this. When he starts, I begin to hear the same sound Charlie Brown hears when the teacher speaks.
7. Give them space-physically. It is surprising how many people really don't want you to hug them. And, if they do, they want a real hug.....not one of those pity hugs. Yes, you can tell the difference. One of the kindest things anyone has done was something my principal, Stephanie, did. I was in her office having a bad day and I began to cry. She came out from behind her desk and just sat by me. No hugs, no touchy feely stuff. Just the physical closeness told me she understood.
6. Don't tell horror stories that you have heard. Generally this comes from acquaintances, not actual friends. I didn't want to hear what chemotherapy did to Great Aunt Sally. Or how good my husband would look without hair. This disease is scary enough without helping us set up outside expectations. In truth, chemo therapy is different for each patient. There are many different drugs that may or may not have side effects. So far, my husband does look handsome bald, check out our son's wedding photo's and you will see. But, he has not been nauseated or developed blisters in his mouth. He does have nose bleeds from low platelets and is tired from the anemia. Yes, he feels terrible, but as he puts it chemo is not unbearable.
5. Don't tell them you know how they feel. There is no way you know how we feel. Our world's are being turned upside down. It is like living in a snow globe. You never know where it will fall. And, when it does settle, someone picks it up and shakes it again. There are good days and there are bad. You just have to rock along with us. If you feel like saying something, just say something like "Wow, that seems over whelming." "That sounds tough." These are in the counseling biz what we call open-ended questions. If we feel comfortable enough you have provided us a safe place to jump off. The, "I know how you feel" remark tells us, since you know how we feel, then you don't need anymore information.
4. Don't ask them if the loved one has found God. My daughter had to field this question. She told me she was caught very off guard. "Well, yes, my father has a close relationship with our Lord." I thought that was a great answer. Now, don't get me wrong, I am very religious and, in fact, I want to become a lay chaplain when I retire as a counselor. I am a devout Anglican, Episcopalian. I believe in the power of prayer, miracles and the gifts of the Spirit. I have a strong faith in my God as does my husband. And, yes, I believe that when you are facing grave odds God is the go to guy. And, I believe that there is a right and a wrong way to answer this. A better choice of word might be does your father have a support system? Maybe a support group or church? I am a believer in witnessing for God, but be careful where you choose to jump and choose your words wisely.
3. Don't assume the person is dying. There are numerous treatments and medical miracles which happen everyday. My husband has experienced two of these. First when his kidney's failed and they brought them back with dialysis. Generally, there is kidney damage. There was none. The second when his spleen exploded and he coded for three minutes. Doctor's told us for not only for the time he spent before he alerted me to his distress and the amount of time he was gone there should be some physical damage such as heart, kidney or brain damage. Once again none.....The joke my husband tells the doctor's is that my wife might argue the brain damage issue. Hope is what all families reach for in their time of need. Furthermore, we all need hope. When we lose hope, we have nothing.
2. Remember that life goes on during treatment, but give them a break. When my husband was first diagnosed, I was forced to realize exactly what he did around the house. Little things I had taken for granted were now my job. It took me a while before I found my groove. One of the cruelest things that happened to me occurred shortly after my husband was diagnosed. We were going to doctor appointments, I was trying to juggle things. In the meeting, on of my co-workers stated in front of all of our big bosses that she knew I was behind. Now, let me qualify behind. I usually am way ahead, so behind is not an issue. I was a couple of days behind, so I guess the vast majority felt I was way behind. This so infuriated me that I worked day and night to get ahead. That is where I stay. I try to make sure that I stay on top of everything, so when I have to take time off it can go unnoticed. However, in the beginning I was still having to deal with all the questions in my head and juggle my job and increased chores at home. I had not found my groove. This takes time. Once you figure out how to manage your life, it becomes easier. So, give us a break, we have a lot going on in our lives. And, sometimes your priorities are not ours. But, we can still get our job done.
1. Make them laugh. Laughing is the most important thing we can do. It has been proven that laughter releases endorphins and leads to overall well-being. Funny e-mails, good jokes, a quick wit are some of the best surprises. We need a daily dose of this. Several of my friends from out of town e=mail me regularly. I always know that these will be great and I anxiously look forward to those. On the other hand, I have some friends who feel the need to send those chain e-mails. You know the ones I am talking about. If you don't send this bad things will happen. I am compelled to open these as I feel that if I don't I am tempting fate. And, let's face it I don't need any more bad things happening.
These are my ten. Others have their own. But the bottom line here is reach out to us sincerely, give us time to find our way. Help light our path. Be what a true friend really is. Believe me it doesn't go unnoticed. I was asked the other day by another counselor, "How do you feel? Do you have a support system?" At the time I couldn't answer her. But I have an answer for her now. I feel incredibly blessed to have the friends who sourround me with love and faith no matter how near or far each day. I am indeed blessed.
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