Today was my 53rd birthday. Even though I am not the girl I once was, I have made it 53 years and don't look too worse for the wear. My day started off with me oversleeping. I woke up at 6:06. Pulling my self out of bed, thinking I hate mornings. I don't hate morning in and of itself, I hate morning before 7:30 or 8:00. I made my way into the bathroom with Kitten right on my heals. Every morning we play the game "How fast can you close your make up drawer before I steal your brushes." Nothing beats chasing a cat around early in the morning with a $25.00 make up brush in her mouth. Then we play "I am going to try to drink water while you brush your teeth. And, my personal favorite. I am going to keep you from putting your pants on. Even though I get a little put out, she is just so darned cute I have a hard time staying mad. But, this morning I did not have time. But, I made time to snuggle with her before I put my contacts in for the day. She got her morning face time and I gave her a can of tuna. I know she is spoiled. Maritza called and wanted to make sure I was coming into work because she wanted to remind me today was Cheryl;s birthday. "No, it's my birthday Maritza, Cheryl's is Friday."
I made my way to work. Entering my office I found balloons and decorations. And a spa gift certificate. The day before I had come so close to going in for a massage, but was just too worn out. It had been a ruse to make sure I was coming into work. Kids sang me happy birthday. Hugs were a plenty. But, my favorite part of the day was the cards from my life skills students. The best part of my day is greeting them as they get off the bus. Each day they are so happy. I just love them. Each one made me a card. I didn't know Mrs. Conner could be spelled so many ways. But, each had the same thought. My friends Melody and Ann Marie took me to lunch. And, I was asked by one of my students to come to his speech class to see his speech. I was honored. My daughter had her 4th grade class sing me happy birthday. My son called and sang me happy birthday. It was an awesome day.
When I got home, my son and daughter-in-law brought Mexican food over and a cake. It was a wonderful day. Not a ton of money was spent. Just people wishing me well. It dawned on me that is what we need to do every day even if it is not someone's birthday. We need to make people know they matter. A kind word, a smile, a pat on the back don't cost a thing, but are worth their weight in gold. So, tomorrow take the time to let someone know they do a good job and that you appreciate what they do for you. As my mother used to say you catch a whole lot more flies with honey than vinegar. Because in reality you may not know what that person in going through personally, so little things like feeling appreciated will fuel their fires. And who knows they may even pay it forward. I know I will.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Angels Among Us
Have you ever been feeling real down and all of the sudden a person from your past re-enters you life? And, like a gentle wind, your sails seem to catch air again and you are off? I believe that this is God working through our friends. Several years ago my very best friend from high school developed breast cancer. It was really weird, I had been thinking about her all week long but knew I had lost her phone number and it was unlisted. In fact, the idea that she would have to eventually contact me ran through my head several times. Then one afternoon, I was cleaning out my car and voila.....her address and phone number. Having no idea how this got in my car, I reached for my cell phone and called her. I listened quietly as she told me her diagnosis. I checked on her frequently and was never more happy to hear she was a survivor. As a matter of fact, do you remember the great evacuation of Houston for Hurricane Rita? I was in that traffic headed up to Dallas for her "It's Great to Be Alive Party." Since then we have reconnected and speak more often but not as often as I would like. No, I don't think I am an angel who came into her life. I think she is the angel that came into mine. In her I have found someone who I can confide my deepest fears and hopes. Last night we had the honor of having the last blood transfusion appointment at MD Anderson. At 8:30 p.m. (that's right folks- night 30 minutes prior to my bedtime) we were waiting to have blood. I posted this to Facebook, not expecting to hear from anyone. But, within 20 minutes my phone rang. My dear friend called to check on me. We were beginning to make our way to the blood center so the conversation was not as long as I would have liked. She always ends her conversation with let me know when I need to come down and help. I don't think I can ever tell her how much those words touch me because I know without a shadow of a doubt she means every last word. And, if needed she would hop on the next plane out of Dallas and would be here ASAP. Friends like that come along only rarely. She is a true angel to me.
As many of you picked up on the fact that I have begun to feel very alone. And, last week several of my sorority sisters were on my mind. Once again, I had no way to get in tough with them. Then suddenly out of the blue, I get a friend request from one and I was able to make contact with another. Their kind and encouraging words touched me more than they will know and I am counting on a Phi Mu Houston Reunion.
Finally, we have a couple of sets of friends. One couple we have been friends with for 30 years. We have lived a lifetime together. They- generally, the husband, have talked me into doing things I wouldn't normally do. And, we have shared a lifetime of memories and good times. They have helped run our business, had bridal showers for our daughter-in-law, and have come to the hospital more than I can count. Another couple, now gives blood on a regular basis in Patrick's name on top of sending several home cooked meals to us when we were at St. Luke's (the food is awful there). And, a third couple will drop what they are doing just to have dinner with us. And, I know that if I need a place to hide out for a couple of hours in a peaceful environment, I can go there. And, I know there is always beer in the fridge. Knowing these people are out there allows me to know that if I need a breather I just need to call.
Finally, all the other people in Houston and around Texas who have put Patrick's name on their churches and synagoges prayer lists but who are too numerous to even count have renewed my faith in people as a whole. As a counselor, I have heard horrible things that have happened to other people. And, to keep my sanity, I have to be able to remove myself from some of these conversations. I will listen clincally. Many of the things I have been told are so horrible that my heart hurts for these children. How can people treat others- especially a child- like that is beyond me. So, I have to admit that a wall had been building to protect myself. But, by the actions of all these people, I was no longer transfixed on the horrors of life, but was actually transformed. Only angels can do something of that magnitude. So, the lesson I have learned through this is that angels come in all forms. They are your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers, and your family who are there to support you when you can't go the distance alone.
As many of you picked up on the fact that I have begun to feel very alone. And, last week several of my sorority sisters were on my mind. Once again, I had no way to get in tough with them. Then suddenly out of the blue, I get a friend request from one and I was able to make contact with another. Their kind and encouraging words touched me more than they will know and I am counting on a Phi Mu Houston Reunion.
Finally, we have a couple of sets of friends. One couple we have been friends with for 30 years. We have lived a lifetime together. They- generally, the husband, have talked me into doing things I wouldn't normally do. And, we have shared a lifetime of memories and good times. They have helped run our business, had bridal showers for our daughter-in-law, and have come to the hospital more than I can count. Another couple, now gives blood on a regular basis in Patrick's name on top of sending several home cooked meals to us when we were at St. Luke's (the food is awful there). And, a third couple will drop what they are doing just to have dinner with us. And, I know that if I need a place to hide out for a couple of hours in a peaceful environment, I can go there. And, I know there is always beer in the fridge. Knowing these people are out there allows me to know that if I need a breather I just need to call.
Finally, all the other people in Houston and around Texas who have put Patrick's name on their churches and synagoges prayer lists but who are too numerous to even count have renewed my faith in people as a whole. As a counselor, I have heard horrible things that have happened to other people. And, to keep my sanity, I have to be able to remove myself from some of these conversations. I will listen clincally. Many of the things I have been told are so horrible that my heart hurts for these children. How can people treat others- especially a child- like that is beyond me. So, I have to admit that a wall had been building to protect myself. But, by the actions of all these people, I was no longer transfixed on the horrors of life, but was actually transformed. Only angels can do something of that magnitude. So, the lesson I have learned through this is that angels come in all forms. They are your friends, your neighbors, your co-workers, and your family who are there to support you when you can't go the distance alone.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Buddy, Me and Mr. C
For those of you who know me, you know I made the comment I would never ever own a male dog. This came after a particularly traumatic event when Ashely, then four, called me to the window and wanted to know what Rascal, our male Bulldog, was doing with the lawn chair pillow. I never looked at the lawn chair the same way again. And, vowed never to own another male dog.
We were rocking along. I had a wonderful experience with a female Boston Terrier, Missy. She is still with us at 16 and still ticking. No, she is not as fast as she once was. Now she reminds me of Aunt Clara off of Bewitched or Helen Keller. She runs into things and can pee at will. The kids have tried to prepare me for the inevitable, but I don't want to go there -not yet anyway. Then there is Buffy, a lovable, yet not so intelligent Pug. Her claim to fame was being able to sing when Ashley or I would yell at J.R. to get up. We also have had numerous female felines who have come in and out of our lives. But, one day my luck came to an end.
As empty nesters, Patrick and I had settled into our own routine. One day he came in and told me that he was tired of being the only male in our house and he wanted another boy. Gasp!!!!! We are too old to be parents again."
"No, I don't want another child I want a dog."
"Patrick we have two dogs and a cat we don't need anymore animals."
"Oh come on, what about adopting an animal."
"No! Absolutely not."
"Well, I bought us ticket to go to the Pug Rescue event."
What? A rescue event???? "Patrick I will go but we are not, I repeat not adopting a dog. We can give to the cause but nothing more. Do you understand?" These were my famous last words. Two weeks later we had gone through the adoption process and were being delivered our precious Buddy. Buddy had been through numerous homes. When Pug Hearts got him he had no hair. And he only had slightly more when we got him. He was gotten for Patrick, however, you know who he immediately gravitated to- you got it me. We were fine and then I inherited 105 pounds of insane energy and love in the form of Mr. C. Like boy dogs, I didn't do large dogs either. But, here I am today my backyard is like a minefield, with my boys who I have to admit love me unconditionally. No matter what kind of mood I am in they are there for me. And it is through them that I am able to truly appreciate life in the moment.
Dogs are not the smartest of creatures. Yes, they have some intelligence, but I don't think they don't have memories like you and I. They know how to live for the moment. All they ask is that you scratch their bellies or throw a ball for them. Nothing more.....food, water, attention and love. That's all. So today I decided to be like Buddy and Mr. C- just live in the moment. I made Patrick get out of bed and dressed. He was very tired, but he had told me he wanted to eat at Topwater Grille one more time before he went into the hospital. I loaded up the car with our camp chairs. We ate a wonderful lunch and then we just parked and watched the gulls and pelicans, boats, and fisherman come and go. We just soaked in the sun and truly enjoyed the moment. Quietly we sat with the wind on our faces and the sun shining down drinking in life. For a while nothing else mattered, we were just a normal 50 something couple enjoying the day. It was fabulous. And to think, I had Buddy and Mr. C with their craziness and unbridled love to thank for this moment. Thanks guys.....We can learn a lot from our 4 legged friends if we would just take the time to observe and listen..
We were rocking along. I had a wonderful experience with a female Boston Terrier, Missy. She is still with us at 16 and still ticking. No, she is not as fast as she once was. Now she reminds me of Aunt Clara off of Bewitched or Helen Keller. She runs into things and can pee at will. The kids have tried to prepare me for the inevitable, but I don't want to go there -not yet anyway. Then there is Buffy, a lovable, yet not so intelligent Pug. Her claim to fame was being able to sing when Ashley or I would yell at J.R. to get up. We also have had numerous female felines who have come in and out of our lives. But, one day my luck came to an end.
As empty nesters, Patrick and I had settled into our own routine. One day he came in and told me that he was tired of being the only male in our house and he wanted another boy. Gasp!!!!! We are too old to be parents again."
"No, I don't want another child I want a dog."
"Patrick we have two dogs and a cat we don't need anymore animals."
"Oh come on, what about adopting an animal."
"No! Absolutely not."
"Well, I bought us ticket to go to the Pug Rescue event."
What? A rescue event???? "Patrick I will go but we are not, I repeat not adopting a dog. We can give to the cause but nothing more. Do you understand?" These were my famous last words. Two weeks later we had gone through the adoption process and were being delivered our precious Buddy. Buddy had been through numerous homes. When Pug Hearts got him he had no hair. And he only had slightly more when we got him. He was gotten for Patrick, however, you know who he immediately gravitated to- you got it me. We were fine and then I inherited 105 pounds of insane energy and love in the form of Mr. C. Like boy dogs, I didn't do large dogs either. But, here I am today my backyard is like a minefield, with my boys who I have to admit love me unconditionally. No matter what kind of mood I am in they are there for me. And it is through them that I am able to truly appreciate life in the moment.
Dogs are not the smartest of creatures. Yes, they have some intelligence, but I don't think they don't have memories like you and I. They know how to live for the moment. All they ask is that you scratch their bellies or throw a ball for them. Nothing more.....food, water, attention and love. That's all. So today I decided to be like Buddy and Mr. C- just live in the moment. I made Patrick get out of bed and dressed. He was very tired, but he had told me he wanted to eat at Topwater Grille one more time before he went into the hospital. I loaded up the car with our camp chairs. We ate a wonderful lunch and then we just parked and watched the gulls and pelicans, boats, and fisherman come and go. We just soaked in the sun and truly enjoyed the moment. Quietly we sat with the wind on our faces and the sun shining down drinking in life. For a while nothing else mattered, we were just a normal 50 something couple enjoying the day. It was fabulous. And to think, I had Buddy and Mr. C with their craziness and unbridled love to thank for this moment. Thanks guys.....We can learn a lot from our 4 legged friends if we would just take the time to observe and listen..
Saturday, March 5, 2011
A Waiting Game
It is Saturday, March 5th and true to the the saying March is coming in like a lion. It is a dreary day. The sky is gray and there is a chill in the air. However, this is really my favorite type of Saturday. I don't have to go to work and I can hang out in my jammies all day long if I so choose. Well, maybe not all day. I do have to go pick up my dry cleaning which I was smart enough to take yesterday and get a couple of prescriptions refilled to fight the onslaught of allergy season. But, other than that I can just hang out in my jammies. It gives me a lot of time to think.
One of my favorite relatives is my Cousin Jay's wife Laura. She call it like she sees it. Recently she asked how I was handling the "being strong" routine. And, I have to admit that I giggled. Boy did she have my number. Yes, it is hard and it is a routine. You can't lose hope, but yet as a human you begin to wonder. I know it is in God's hands, but I have no idea what he has in store for me- for Patrick-for us. And, I think in situations like this, God give us time to think- to wrap our minds around our situation. Lately, I have had a lot of time to do this. Partick has been very tired lately and has spent a great deal of time in bed. I know you are thinking, "Why don't you just go back there and stay with him?" Well, remember that I have four dogs and it is not fair to them to keep them kenneled 24-7 so I have to spend time in the other part of the house with them. They are not outside dogs and the old one has to be supervised while she is inside. So, this gives me a lot of thinking time. Also, it gives me a lot of time to adjust to being alone. Maybe this is the lesson God has for me. I have to be comfortable in my own place and in my own thoughts. Do not get me wrong, I have hope that things will be okay and my husband will be well again. But, even then one has to be happy with themselves.
I have never particularly liked being alone. This stems from my being an only child. I was alone alot. There were no children my age in the neighborhood until we moved when I was 6. So, I was pretty much on my own. Well, not in my mind. There were many imaginary friends. My parents were big fans of westerns especially the TV show Bonanza so Little Joe Cartwright was my best friend. It struck me strange the other day how things are coming full circle. Hopefully, this will be temporary like it was when I was a child, but I have no guarantees. I was able to be very content back then. So what has changed. Maybe I lost touch with the child within. The one who is able to entertain herself through imagination has been put away on a shelf somewhere and I have to find her again. I think that this is where this blog thing comes into play. Writing for me is not just of getting rid of emotional baggage it is a way to get in touch with my inner child again. I know that this [blog] is putting it out there for everyone to see and I could do this in a notebook I keep under my bed. But, for me it helps me be honest with myself. And, just maybe someone else is feeling this same way and it will help them know that what they are feeling is normal. So, back to Laura's comment on the strong routine. Yes, it a way it is a routine. You have to keep a stiff upper lip. You are not allowed to feel sorry for yourself. My husband is gravely ill. My needs have to take a back seat. After all what kind of spouse would pull the poor pitiful me trip under these circumstances. But, this is harder than you will ever know. And, the only way you can even halfway understand is to go through it yourself. Last month I got to spend Valentine's in the hospital with my husband and in March it looks like I will get to spend my birthday with him there again. Yes, it is a real bummer. I would love to go to Concan for spring break and hang out there for my birthday. But, that is not going to be possible. I will have to make the best of where I am going to be. I believe that is the lesson God is trying to teach me. Be happy where you are and enjoy the moment.
One of my favorite relatives is my Cousin Jay's wife Laura. She call it like she sees it. Recently she asked how I was handling the "being strong" routine. And, I have to admit that I giggled. Boy did she have my number. Yes, it is hard and it is a routine. You can't lose hope, but yet as a human you begin to wonder. I know it is in God's hands, but I have no idea what he has in store for me- for Patrick-for us. And, I think in situations like this, God give us time to think- to wrap our minds around our situation. Lately, I have had a lot of time to do this. Partick has been very tired lately and has spent a great deal of time in bed. I know you are thinking, "Why don't you just go back there and stay with him?" Well, remember that I have four dogs and it is not fair to them to keep them kenneled 24-7 so I have to spend time in the other part of the house with them. They are not outside dogs and the old one has to be supervised while she is inside. So, this gives me a lot of thinking time. Also, it gives me a lot of time to adjust to being alone. Maybe this is the lesson God has for me. I have to be comfortable in my own place and in my own thoughts. Do not get me wrong, I have hope that things will be okay and my husband will be well again. But, even then one has to be happy with themselves.
I have never particularly liked being alone. This stems from my being an only child. I was alone alot. There were no children my age in the neighborhood until we moved when I was 6. So, I was pretty much on my own. Well, not in my mind. There were many imaginary friends. My parents were big fans of westerns especially the TV show Bonanza so Little Joe Cartwright was my best friend. It struck me strange the other day how things are coming full circle. Hopefully, this will be temporary like it was when I was a child, but I have no guarantees. I was able to be very content back then. So what has changed. Maybe I lost touch with the child within. The one who is able to entertain herself through imagination has been put away on a shelf somewhere and I have to find her again. I think that this is where this blog thing comes into play. Writing for me is not just of getting rid of emotional baggage it is a way to get in touch with my inner child again. I know that this [blog] is putting it out there for everyone to see and I could do this in a notebook I keep under my bed. But, for me it helps me be honest with myself. And, just maybe someone else is feeling this same way and it will help them know that what they are feeling is normal. So, back to Laura's comment on the strong routine. Yes, it a way it is a routine. You have to keep a stiff upper lip. You are not allowed to feel sorry for yourself. My husband is gravely ill. My needs have to take a back seat. After all what kind of spouse would pull the poor pitiful me trip under these circumstances. But, this is harder than you will ever know. And, the only way you can even halfway understand is to go through it yourself. Last month I got to spend Valentine's in the hospital with my husband and in March it looks like I will get to spend my birthday with him there again. Yes, it is a real bummer. I would love to go to Concan for spring break and hang out there for my birthday. But, that is not going to be possible. I will have to make the best of where I am going to be. I believe that is the lesson God is trying to teach me. Be happy where you are and enjoy the moment.
Amazing Things Can Happen
This post was written on February prior to my husband's release from the hospital. I apologize to my readers for its late coming
Hello World! I am coming to you from the 9th floor of M.D. Anderson Cancer Center. Today I am so filled with joy. My husband is coming home- even if only for a few days he is coming home. I have begun a habit of stopping by the chapel each day and spending a few moments in silent prayer. Before I went in my daughter called me. She has had a bad couple of days. Each time I offer God my praise and thanksgiving for all the blessings he has bestowed on my family. Yes, my husband has cancer. And, things may look bleak, but I am so thankful for all the wonderful things I have in my life. And I want to embrace every wonderful thing God has in store for me. When I am through with my prayer of thanksgiving, I pick up a Bible an thumb through it until I feel the urge to stop. I then read the passage. Today's I turned to the passage where Jesus comes upon a funeral brings a woman's only son back to life. I was hopeful.
Hello World! I am coming to you from the 9th floor of M.D. Anderson Cancer Center. Today I am so filled with joy. My husband is coming home- even if only for a few days he is coming home. I have begun a habit of stopping by the chapel each day and spending a few moments in silent prayer. Before I went in my daughter called me. She has had a bad couple of days. Each time I offer God my praise and thanksgiving for all the blessings he has bestowed on my family. Yes, my husband has cancer. And, things may look bleak, but I am so thankful for all the wonderful things I have in my life. And I want to embrace every wonderful thing God has in store for me. When I am through with my prayer of thanksgiving, I pick up a Bible an thumb through it until I feel the urge to stop. I then read the passage. Today's I turned to the passage where Jesus comes upon a funeral brings a woman's only son back to life. I was hopeful.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Realizing our Potential
I have decided to use the travel time between the house/school and the hospital as a time for reflection and personal growth. A very altruistic idea- I know. Currently, I am listening to Joel Osteen's Becoming a Better You. And considering the current position of my life, it has some very timely lessons. Osteen states that God has given each one of us the power through the DNA of our ancestors to become champions. When we say that we can't we are limiting that power. Each day we need to open ourselves up to the amazing possibilities that God has set before us. But, we as people have to do our part. Accepting mediocrity in our lives will not get us where we are supposed to go. By maintaining a positive attitude and opening ourselves up to the possibilities we can allow change to take place. As a counselor, I have often heard I can't change this, my mom was like this and her mom before her, so I am going to be the same way. No, you don't have to accept this. Yes, you may have your parent's DNA running through your veins, but you also have that of Daniel (spent the night with Lions and was unscathed) and Sampson and David. Settling for the status quo is not doing ourselves justice.
As a young girl, my mother told me I needed to be a secretary. My guidance counselor in high school told me that the best I could hope for was to be a sales clerk at JC Penny or Sears. But, I set a higher standard for myself. It was through sheer determination I am where I am today. Each day I thank God for all the blessings he has bestowed upon me. Many people say, "Tanyia, how can you be so up beat. Your husband it so ill. He is in and out of the hospital and, yet, for the most part you carry on and seem very upbeat." Well, I am. I have hope and I meet each day with knowledge that today is going to offer me unknown challenges yet at the same time unknown rewards.
I have learned that laughter and humor are two medicines that no doctor can prescribe. And, these are the most important antibiotics around. On the days when I choose, yes choose, to fall into the the Whoa is me syndrome, negative things are amplified. Now, don't get me wrong, negative things happen every day, but it is how we view them that changes our mood and being. My mother used to call this making lemonade from lemons. If we expect good things, they will happen. But it is how you view them. For as long as my husband has been ill, we have had set back after set back. The cancer has spread from his abdomen throughout his body. But, we are choosing to hope for the best. Most days he is in good spirits and when he is not our immediate family are the only ones who see this side. It is our job to point out that we are working on maintaining positive attitudes. We have faith and know that the power of our bloodline enables us to fight on. And, therefore, we are choosing to continue to praise and thank God for our many many blessings and we have faith that the best is yet to come. Because when he is with us nothing can be against us.
As a young girl, my mother told me I needed to be a secretary. My guidance counselor in high school told me that the best I could hope for was to be a sales clerk at JC Penny or Sears. But, I set a higher standard for myself. It was through sheer determination I am where I am today. Each day I thank God for all the blessings he has bestowed upon me. Many people say, "Tanyia, how can you be so up beat. Your husband it so ill. He is in and out of the hospital and, yet, for the most part you carry on and seem very upbeat." Well, I am. I have hope and I meet each day with knowledge that today is going to offer me unknown challenges yet at the same time unknown rewards.
I have learned that laughter and humor are two medicines that no doctor can prescribe. And, these are the most important antibiotics around. On the days when I choose, yes choose, to fall into the the Whoa is me syndrome, negative things are amplified. Now, don't get me wrong, negative things happen every day, but it is how we view them that changes our mood and being. My mother used to call this making lemonade from lemons. If we expect good things, they will happen. But it is how you view them. For as long as my husband has been ill, we have had set back after set back. The cancer has spread from his abdomen throughout his body. But, we are choosing to hope for the best. Most days he is in good spirits and when he is not our immediate family are the only ones who see this side. It is our job to point out that we are working on maintaining positive attitudes. We have faith and know that the power of our bloodline enables us to fight on. And, therefore, we are choosing to continue to praise and thank God for our many many blessings and we have faith that the best is yet to come. Because when he is with us nothing can be against us.
Short and to the Point
My daughter is in from Austin. I always enjoy her visits. She is one of the most upbeat people I know and she can always make me laugh. We started our day early taking her car to get the oil changed and going to Walmart. Since my husband has been ill, I have begun to take an impish delight in getting him cutsey PJ's. It started off that I was in a pinch and that was all I could find was Snoopy jammies that said Ladies Man on them. And, it has gone from there. Everytime I find a new design, I buy it. Today he is sporting Ninja Turtle jammies. They are silly but I Iove to see him smile. This is for Ashley. She told me my posts were to long.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Moments That Last
The lights are low, the music plays softly in the background. Room service arrives with a beautiful tray of crab cakes, a wonderful salad, and the most sinful chocolate cake imaginable. Lovingly the man looks into the woman's eyes, "I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to get you any flowers."
"That's okay. Just being here with you is enough for me," she quietlyy replies although secretly she would have loved some beautiful flowers. Being together for right now is enough. They sit quietly listening to the music and drinking in each other's company.
Sounds like a page from a romance novel, doesn't it. Yet, this scene was being played out in many rooms last night in MD Anderson hospital. The hospital provided a dinner for Valentine's Day which was not only tasty, but artful. You could almost forget you were in a hospital listening to the inspirational channel on the TV. As I drove home, I tried to remember all the Valentine's we had spent together. There have been 34 in all. And, sad to say I can't recall where we went to dinner, if there were chocolates or flowers. But, I do remember we spent them together. Sometimes kids were under foot and sometimes a child would snuggle between us in bed. But, we were always together. In fact, that is one day we never missed being together. No matter what state our marriage was in we were together.
Valentine's Day has become so commercial. Every jewelry store has a commercial or come on of some sort. Restaurant's have special and wonderful menues. And, we stand in line for hours to provide our loved one with the perfect meal or the perfect gift to make that one day so special. To let the other person know how truly loved they are, we spend countless dollars and hours to prove our love. When, in fact, gifts per se don't really show love at all. They are material things which can be bought and sold at will. Shouldn't we look for other ways to show our feelings and be doing this on a daily basis?
My husband apologizzed several times for ruining my day. There were tears in his eyes when I jokingly said, "Well we didn't have any big plans now did we?"
His reply was, "I was going to stop by the tent at Kroger on the way home to get you some flowers."
"You can buy me flowers some other day. We don't need a special day for flowers." Then I realized that the flowers I remembered the most were those he would bring home on Friday evening just to say I know it's been a hard week. And, the ones I put in the bedroom to suprise him for a date night which I might add was not even near Valentine's Day. I remember how wonderful they smelled to this day. And, I remembeer his face when he told me that no one had ever given him flowers before. That's when I realized that this was the way it was supposed to be. We need to make sure that the special person in our life knows it. Life is not forever, and we never know how many Valentine's Days or birthdays or anniversaries there will be. Grab each day. Savor it for all it is worth. Never let a day go by when your spouse, life partner, children or friends don't know how special they are to you. Let them know that your life would be so different without them in it. Hug them, kiss them, hold them. Don't be afraid to take someone by the hand and say, "I am so glad you are in my life. You make every day better just by being here. You matter to me." These are the moments that last eternity.
"That's okay. Just being here with you is enough for me," she quietlyy replies although secretly she would have loved some beautiful flowers. Being together for right now is enough. They sit quietly listening to the music and drinking in each other's company.
Sounds like a page from a romance novel, doesn't it. Yet, this scene was being played out in many rooms last night in MD Anderson hospital. The hospital provided a dinner for Valentine's Day which was not only tasty, but artful. You could almost forget you were in a hospital listening to the inspirational channel on the TV. As I drove home, I tried to remember all the Valentine's we had spent together. There have been 34 in all. And, sad to say I can't recall where we went to dinner, if there were chocolates or flowers. But, I do remember we spent them together. Sometimes kids were under foot and sometimes a child would snuggle between us in bed. But, we were always together. In fact, that is one day we never missed being together. No matter what state our marriage was in we were together.
Valentine's Day has become so commercial. Every jewelry store has a commercial or come on of some sort. Restaurant's have special and wonderful menues. And, we stand in line for hours to provide our loved one with the perfect meal or the perfect gift to make that one day so special. To let the other person know how truly loved they are, we spend countless dollars and hours to prove our love. When, in fact, gifts per se don't really show love at all. They are material things which can be bought and sold at will. Shouldn't we look for other ways to show our feelings and be doing this on a daily basis?
My husband apologizzed several times for ruining my day. There were tears in his eyes when I jokingly said, "Well we didn't have any big plans now did we?"
His reply was, "I was going to stop by the tent at Kroger on the way home to get you some flowers."
"You can buy me flowers some other day. We don't need a special day for flowers." Then I realized that the flowers I remembered the most were those he would bring home on Friday evening just to say I know it's been a hard week. And, the ones I put in the bedroom to suprise him for a date night which I might add was not even near Valentine's Day. I remember how wonderful they smelled to this day. And, I remembeer his face when he told me that no one had ever given him flowers before. That's when I realized that this was the way it was supposed to be. We need to make sure that the special person in our life knows it. Life is not forever, and we never know how many Valentine's Days or birthdays or anniversaries there will be. Grab each day. Savor it for all it is worth. Never let a day go by when your spouse, life partner, children or friends don't know how special they are to you. Let them know that your life would be so different without them in it. Hug them, kiss them, hold them. Don't be afraid to take someone by the hand and say, "I am so glad you are in my life. You make every day better just by being here. You matter to me." These are the moments that last eternity.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
One Foot in Front of the Other
I saw my neighbor the other morning as I was putting the garbage out. He inquired how I was doing and I smiled and told him all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and go on. You know this is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with as an adult. I have had numerous times when I thought, I just can't believe this is happening to me. But, this actually takes the cake. I have spent the better part of my weekend in bed. Not because I didn't feel well or was tired, but because I felt that I needed to stay close to my husband. As I watch him sleeping in can see the bones of his arms. He has lost so much weight since all of this began. I am so worried I don't know what to do. Tonight he was on his way back from eating dinner, he fell. His blood pressure has been very low. His nose is bleeding a sign of low platelets. He has no energy and is so weak. Tonight he told me he was scared. "Me too," was all I could say. Scared doesn't even begin to tell how I feel. I feel helpless and alone. I know that there are many people who care about me, but the one person who has been a constant in my life is so sick and there is nothing I can do to make it better. Nothing.
Cancer is a thief that comes in and steals everything from you. You hopes, dreams, and even you life. I know my other blogs have been lengthy but this is going to be short. For those of you who read this know that you can never love someone enough. Take time to let them know how you feel. Don't wait for times like this. Make each day count. Forget about all the little stuff and focus on the one constant your feelings for your family and friends. Let them know just how important they are to you each and every day. This is the best way to put one foot in front of the other and it is they way I believe we are supposed to live. It's never too late. Love one another like there is no tomorrow.
Cancer is a thief that comes in and steals everything from you. You hopes, dreams, and even you life. I know my other blogs have been lengthy but this is going to be short. For those of you who read this know that you can never love someone enough. Take time to let them know how you feel. Don't wait for times like this. Make each day count. Forget about all the little stuff and focus on the one constant your feelings for your family and friends. Let them know just how important they are to you each and every day. This is the best way to put one foot in front of the other and it is they way I believe we are supposed to live. It's never too late. Love one another like there is no tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tanyia's Top Ten Cancer Etiquette Rules
The other night on the way home, I ran in the local drug store. The girl who checked me out commented that I looked very tired and I must have been at one heck of a Super Bowl Party. I explained that I had been at the hospital with my husband. Being that she is a human and humans are naturally inquisitive, she asked what was wrong with him. I didn't feel like getting into this discussion I just wanted my highlighter pens so I could take them to work. "He, has cancer." I
"I hope, it's not bad," she replied.
"Well, I don't think that there is a cancer that is not bad," I explained to her.
"Well, you have to trust in the Lord and know that you will see him one day in heaven."
I could actually hear the breaks in my head screech and my head jerk up. There were a million smart remarks that were just wanting to jump off my tongue, but I picked up my sack, thanked her and went to the car with her yelling behind me. I didn't even really hear what she said after that. That one remark sat in my head. So, tonight I figured I would put a bit of humor in the blog. Proverbs 17:22 states, a cheerful heart is good medicine." It is for this reason I have decided to write some brief instructions on how to handle a situation where a friend, co-worker, family member or even a stranger tells you that someone they know has been touched by cancer. This is a tongue in cheek synopsis. I have used not only my personal experience but that of spouses and family members who have befriended me along this journey. This is my, I repeat, my Top 10 List .
10. Don't ask them what you can do for them. This is an innocent enough remark, however, let's be realistic, they have so much running through their minds, they don't even know what they want or need, It is a moment to moment thing. And you hear that from everyone. It is kind of like when you hear people say, Have a nice day." Do they really care or is it just the expected remark to make? If you really want to help with something, be like Nike......Just Do It. Some of the things I appreciated the most were the unexpected things people did for me. Several people where I work, took turns providing meals when my husband was first diagnosed. It was nice to just pop something in the microwave and eat when I got home from the hospital.
9. If you feel the need to fix the family a meal, don't go to the extreme. Stick to standard proteins, beef, chicken, pork etc. Rabbit and other wild game unless you really know the person is probably going to wind up in the trash. My friends were awesome. Simple casseroles, but I talked to one lady at the hospital who actually had a friend bring her "wild stew." She stated, "It looked good. There were potatoes, carrots, peas, corn, celery and meat. But, the meat didn't look like anything I had ever seen before. Then the girl told me her husband had been squirrel hunting. All, I could say was, 'Thank you.'" Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing personally against squirrel. I mean, I am from Louisiana. Shreveport to be exact-home to such notables as Vex Con Exterminating's own Billy the Exterminator. Over the course of my life I have eaten things that have come out of the mud and swamp. I may really like a good fried alligator steak with cream gravy, but I don't think I would fix it for one of my co-workers.
8. Don't ask a million questions, especially if the person has recently learned the diagnosis. Right then they have so many questions spinning around in their head, they don't need anymore. Furthermore, they don't know the answers. My husband has an uncle like this. When he starts, I begin to hear the same sound Charlie Brown hears when the teacher speaks.
7. Give them space-physically. It is surprising how many people really don't want you to hug them. And, if they do, they want a real hug.....not one of those pity hugs. Yes, you can tell the difference. One of the kindest things anyone has done was something my principal, Stephanie, did. I was in her office having a bad day and I began to cry. She came out from behind her desk and just sat by me. No hugs, no touchy feely stuff. Just the physical closeness told me she understood.
6. Don't tell horror stories that you have heard. Generally this comes from acquaintances, not actual friends. I didn't want to hear what chemotherapy did to Great Aunt Sally. Or how good my husband would look without hair. This disease is scary enough without helping us set up outside expectations. In truth, chemo therapy is different for each patient. There are many different drugs that may or may not have side effects. So far, my husband does look handsome bald, check out our son's wedding photo's and you will see. But, he has not been nauseated or developed blisters in his mouth. He does have nose bleeds from low platelets and is tired from the anemia. Yes, he feels terrible, but as he puts it chemo is not unbearable.
5. Don't tell them you know how they feel. There is no way you know how we feel. Our world's are being turned upside down. It is like living in a snow globe. You never know where it will fall. And, when it does settle, someone picks it up and shakes it again. There are good days and there are bad. You just have to rock along with us. If you feel like saying something, just say something like "Wow, that seems over whelming." "That sounds tough." These are in the counseling biz what we call open-ended questions. If we feel comfortable enough you have provided us a safe place to jump off. The, "I know how you feel" remark tells us, since you know how we feel, then you don't need anymore information.
4. Don't ask them if the loved one has found God. My daughter had to field this question. She told me she was caught very off guard. "Well, yes, my father has a close relationship with our Lord." I thought that was a great answer. Now, don't get me wrong, I am very religious and, in fact, I want to become a lay chaplain when I retire as a counselor. I am a devout Anglican, Episcopalian. I believe in the power of prayer, miracles and the gifts of the Spirit. I have a strong faith in my God as does my husband. And, yes, I believe that when you are facing grave odds God is the go to guy. And, I believe that there is a right and a wrong way to answer this. A better choice of word might be does your father have a support system? Maybe a support group or church? I am a believer in witnessing for God, but be careful where you choose to jump and choose your words wisely.
3. Don't assume the person is dying. There are numerous treatments and medical miracles which happen everyday. My husband has experienced two of these. First when his kidney's failed and they brought them back with dialysis. Generally, there is kidney damage. There was none. The second when his spleen exploded and he coded for three minutes. Doctor's told us for not only for the time he spent before he alerted me to his distress and the amount of time he was gone there should be some physical damage such as heart, kidney or brain damage. Once again none.....The joke my husband tells the doctor's is that my wife might argue the brain damage issue. Hope is what all families reach for in their time of need. Furthermore, we all need hope. When we lose hope, we have nothing.
2. Remember that life goes on during treatment, but give them a break. When my husband was first diagnosed, I was forced to realize exactly what he did around the house. Little things I had taken for granted were now my job. It took me a while before I found my groove. One of the cruelest things that happened to me occurred shortly after my husband was diagnosed. We were going to doctor appointments, I was trying to juggle things. In the meeting, on of my co-workers stated in front of all of our big bosses that she knew I was behind. Now, let me qualify behind. I usually am way ahead, so behind is not an issue. I was a couple of days behind, so I guess the vast majority felt I was way behind. This so infuriated me that I worked day and night to get ahead. That is where I stay. I try to make sure that I stay on top of everything, so when I have to take time off it can go unnoticed. However, in the beginning I was still having to deal with all the questions in my head and juggle my job and increased chores at home. I had not found my groove. This takes time. Once you figure out how to manage your life, it becomes easier. So, give us a break, we have a lot going on in our lives. And, sometimes your priorities are not ours. But, we can still get our job done.
1. Make them laugh. Laughing is the most important thing we can do. It has been proven that laughter releases endorphins and leads to overall well-being. Funny e-mails, good jokes, a quick wit are some of the best surprises. We need a daily dose of this. Several of my friends from out of town e=mail me regularly. I always know that these will be great and I anxiously look forward to those. On the other hand, I have some friends who feel the need to send those chain e-mails. You know the ones I am talking about. If you don't send this bad things will happen. I am compelled to open these as I feel that if I don't I am tempting fate. And, let's face it I don't need any more bad things happening.
These are my ten. Others have their own. But the bottom line here is reach out to us sincerely, give us time to find our way. Help light our path. Be what a true friend really is. Believe me it doesn't go unnoticed. I was asked the other day by another counselor, "How do you feel? Do you have a support system?" At the time I couldn't answer her. But I have an answer for her now. I feel incredibly blessed to have the friends who sourround me with love and faith no matter how near or far each day. I am indeed blessed.
"I hope, it's not bad," she replied.
"Well, I don't think that there is a cancer that is not bad," I explained to her.
"Well, you have to trust in the Lord and know that you will see him one day in heaven."
I could actually hear the breaks in my head screech and my head jerk up. There were a million smart remarks that were just wanting to jump off my tongue, but I picked up my sack, thanked her and went to the car with her yelling behind me. I didn't even really hear what she said after that. That one remark sat in my head. So, tonight I figured I would put a bit of humor in the blog. Proverbs 17:22 states, a cheerful heart is good medicine." It is for this reason I have decided to write some brief instructions on how to handle a situation where a friend, co-worker, family member or even a stranger tells you that someone they know has been touched by cancer. This is a tongue in cheek synopsis. I have used not only my personal experience but that of spouses and family members who have befriended me along this journey. This is my, I repeat, my Top 10 List .
10. Don't ask them what you can do for them. This is an innocent enough remark, however, let's be realistic, they have so much running through their minds, they don't even know what they want or need, It is a moment to moment thing. And you hear that from everyone. It is kind of like when you hear people say, Have a nice day." Do they really care or is it just the expected remark to make? If you really want to help with something, be like Nike......Just Do It. Some of the things I appreciated the most were the unexpected things people did for me. Several people where I work, took turns providing meals when my husband was first diagnosed. It was nice to just pop something in the microwave and eat when I got home from the hospital.
9. If you feel the need to fix the family a meal, don't go to the extreme. Stick to standard proteins, beef, chicken, pork etc. Rabbit and other wild game unless you really know the person is probably going to wind up in the trash. My friends were awesome. Simple casseroles, but I talked to one lady at the hospital who actually had a friend bring her "wild stew." She stated, "It looked good. There were potatoes, carrots, peas, corn, celery and meat. But, the meat didn't look like anything I had ever seen before. Then the girl told me her husband had been squirrel hunting. All, I could say was, 'Thank you.'" Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing personally against squirrel. I mean, I am from Louisiana. Shreveport to be exact-home to such notables as Vex Con Exterminating's own Billy the Exterminator. Over the course of my life I have eaten things that have come out of the mud and swamp. I may really like a good fried alligator steak with cream gravy, but I don't think I would fix it for one of my co-workers.
8. Don't ask a million questions, especially if the person has recently learned the diagnosis. Right then they have so many questions spinning around in their head, they don't need anymore. Furthermore, they don't know the answers. My husband has an uncle like this. When he starts, I begin to hear the same sound Charlie Brown hears when the teacher speaks.
7. Give them space-physically. It is surprising how many people really don't want you to hug them. And, if they do, they want a real hug.....not one of those pity hugs. Yes, you can tell the difference. One of the kindest things anyone has done was something my principal, Stephanie, did. I was in her office having a bad day and I began to cry. She came out from behind her desk and just sat by me. No hugs, no touchy feely stuff. Just the physical closeness told me she understood.
6. Don't tell horror stories that you have heard. Generally this comes from acquaintances, not actual friends. I didn't want to hear what chemotherapy did to Great Aunt Sally. Or how good my husband would look without hair. This disease is scary enough without helping us set up outside expectations. In truth, chemo therapy is different for each patient. There are many different drugs that may or may not have side effects. So far, my husband does look handsome bald, check out our son's wedding photo's and you will see. But, he has not been nauseated or developed blisters in his mouth. He does have nose bleeds from low platelets and is tired from the anemia. Yes, he feels terrible, but as he puts it chemo is not unbearable.
5. Don't tell them you know how they feel. There is no way you know how we feel. Our world's are being turned upside down. It is like living in a snow globe. You never know where it will fall. And, when it does settle, someone picks it up and shakes it again. There are good days and there are bad. You just have to rock along with us. If you feel like saying something, just say something like "Wow, that seems over whelming." "That sounds tough." These are in the counseling biz what we call open-ended questions. If we feel comfortable enough you have provided us a safe place to jump off. The, "I know how you feel" remark tells us, since you know how we feel, then you don't need anymore information.
4. Don't ask them if the loved one has found God. My daughter had to field this question. She told me she was caught very off guard. "Well, yes, my father has a close relationship with our Lord." I thought that was a great answer. Now, don't get me wrong, I am very religious and, in fact, I want to become a lay chaplain when I retire as a counselor. I am a devout Anglican, Episcopalian. I believe in the power of prayer, miracles and the gifts of the Spirit. I have a strong faith in my God as does my husband. And, yes, I believe that when you are facing grave odds God is the go to guy. And, I believe that there is a right and a wrong way to answer this. A better choice of word might be does your father have a support system? Maybe a support group or church? I am a believer in witnessing for God, but be careful where you choose to jump and choose your words wisely.
3. Don't assume the person is dying. There are numerous treatments and medical miracles which happen everyday. My husband has experienced two of these. First when his kidney's failed and they brought them back with dialysis. Generally, there is kidney damage. There was none. The second when his spleen exploded and he coded for three minutes. Doctor's told us for not only for the time he spent before he alerted me to his distress and the amount of time he was gone there should be some physical damage such as heart, kidney or brain damage. Once again none.....The joke my husband tells the doctor's is that my wife might argue the brain damage issue. Hope is what all families reach for in their time of need. Furthermore, we all need hope. When we lose hope, we have nothing.
2. Remember that life goes on during treatment, but give them a break. When my husband was first diagnosed, I was forced to realize exactly what he did around the house. Little things I had taken for granted were now my job. It took me a while before I found my groove. One of the cruelest things that happened to me occurred shortly after my husband was diagnosed. We were going to doctor appointments, I was trying to juggle things. In the meeting, on of my co-workers stated in front of all of our big bosses that she knew I was behind. Now, let me qualify behind. I usually am way ahead, so behind is not an issue. I was a couple of days behind, so I guess the vast majority felt I was way behind. This so infuriated me that I worked day and night to get ahead. That is where I stay. I try to make sure that I stay on top of everything, so when I have to take time off it can go unnoticed. However, in the beginning I was still having to deal with all the questions in my head and juggle my job and increased chores at home. I had not found my groove. This takes time. Once you figure out how to manage your life, it becomes easier. So, give us a break, we have a lot going on in our lives. And, sometimes your priorities are not ours. But, we can still get our job done.
1. Make them laugh. Laughing is the most important thing we can do. It has been proven that laughter releases endorphins and leads to overall well-being. Funny e-mails, good jokes, a quick wit are some of the best surprises. We need a daily dose of this. Several of my friends from out of town e=mail me regularly. I always know that these will be great and I anxiously look forward to those. On the other hand, I have some friends who feel the need to send those chain e-mails. You know the ones I am talking about. If you don't send this bad things will happen. I am compelled to open these as I feel that if I don't I am tempting fate. And, let's face it I don't need any more bad things happening.
These are my ten. Others have their own. But the bottom line here is reach out to us sincerely, give us time to find our way. Help light our path. Be what a true friend really is. Believe me it doesn't go unnoticed. I was asked the other day by another counselor, "How do you feel? Do you have a support system?" At the time I couldn't answer her. But I have an answer for her now. I feel incredibly blessed to have the friends who sourround me with love and faith no matter how near or far each day. I am indeed blessed.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Super Bowl Super Day
Besides our son's wedding in December, I think my husband has stayed alive if for nothing else than to watch our beloved Packer's play in the Super Bowl. Don't ask why (that is a whole other story) he is a die hard Cheese Head. Yes, we own two. I have been brought into the cult as well. Green Bay is the only team in the NFL that is owned by the town. There is a 25-30 year wait for season tickets. They have not cheerleaders. They are strictly in it for the love of the game. Patrick has been to Lambeau Field to see a game and he says it was amazing. He has already gotten a balloon and coozie from a friend with the Packers' emblem on it. Thanks Rudy. And we are anxiously awaiting kick off.
Patrick is a lot like the Packers. They have both had their bats with hard luck, made mistakes and angered fans. But, the fans keep coming back each year. That is why today I have decided to take this opportunity to tell you a bit more about the struggle we have faced. In my first blog, I told you about the kidney failure and the 3 minutes of code blue. But what I didn't tell you was how this struggle has reunited our family. Two years earlier, my husband and I had faced a monster which had divided us. We, rather I, had had enough and wanted out after 28 years of marriage. Growing up on East Slattery in Shreveport, Louisiana I had no idea I was poor until I got older. Sr. Margaret Rose told me I would be nothing more than a sales clerk at J.C,. Penny and there was no reason for me to go to college. But, I worked hard as did Patrick and we became blessed. Financially, we looked great on paper, but our family was a shamble. It is true that money doesn't buy happiness. We grasped at straws to try to put it back together, but it meant hitting rock bottom before we could claw our way out of a huge hole. After a year and a half of intensive counseling, both couples and individual, we were on the right track again. And, this hits. We came together as a family. A miracle...... our children were so angry with their father. I can't say I blame them. I was too. Some may think well maybe God is punishing him for what he did. I, however, do not feel that God, mine, yours or anyone's would bring this upon someone for retribution. This last Christmas, our daughter told Patrick that it was amazing how something so good could come out of something so awful. But, we were happy. Laughter filled the house. Gifts didn't matter, family for the first time was the most important thing. It was wonderful to see everyone come together. I guess we are like the Packers we took some hard hits and came back. Like a football team, it took lots of hard work and retraining. Our pre season training lasted longer but like a team we had to adjust and reinvent plays that would work.
Today the Packers will face the Steelers. Now, I have been in Texas long enough to remember the Love Ya Blue days with the Houston Oilers now the Tennessee Titans when the Steelers were our arch rivals. They were thought of as poor sports who did not play fair. And, I guess some of that still remains in my blood. So, even if I were not a Packer Backer, I would be cheering Green Bay onto victory. But, in football, like life there are no guarantees. Someone is bound to fumble or miss a catch, the quarterback may be caught off guard. But the game [life] will go on.. The players will adjust and the game will continue. I have to admit today my money is on both the Packers and Patrick. We've taken some licks but are still looking for victory.
Go Green Bay beat Pittsburgh........Go Patrick beat Cancer.
Patrick is a lot like the Packers. They have both had their bats with hard luck, made mistakes and angered fans. But, the fans keep coming back each year. That is why today I have decided to take this opportunity to tell you a bit more about the struggle we have faced. In my first blog, I told you about the kidney failure and the 3 minutes of code blue. But what I didn't tell you was how this struggle has reunited our family. Two years earlier, my husband and I had faced a monster which had divided us. We, rather I, had had enough and wanted out after 28 years of marriage. Growing up on East Slattery in Shreveport, Louisiana I had no idea I was poor until I got older. Sr. Margaret Rose told me I would be nothing more than a sales clerk at J.C,. Penny and there was no reason for me to go to college. But, I worked hard as did Patrick and we became blessed. Financially, we looked great on paper, but our family was a shamble. It is true that money doesn't buy happiness. We grasped at straws to try to put it back together, but it meant hitting rock bottom before we could claw our way out of a huge hole. After a year and a half of intensive counseling, both couples and individual, we were on the right track again. And, this hits. We came together as a family. A miracle...... our children were so angry with their father. I can't say I blame them. I was too. Some may think well maybe God is punishing him for what he did. I, however, do not feel that God, mine, yours or anyone's would bring this upon someone for retribution. This last Christmas, our daughter told Patrick that it was amazing how something so good could come out of something so awful. But, we were happy. Laughter filled the house. Gifts didn't matter, family for the first time was the most important thing. It was wonderful to see everyone come together. I guess we are like the Packers we took some hard hits and came back. Like a football team, it took lots of hard work and retraining. Our pre season training lasted longer but like a team we had to adjust and reinvent plays that would work.
Today the Packers will face the Steelers. Now, I have been in Texas long enough to remember the Love Ya Blue days with the Houston Oilers now the Tennessee Titans when the Steelers were our arch rivals. They were thought of as poor sports who did not play fair. And, I guess some of that still remains in my blood. So, even if I were not a Packer Backer, I would be cheering Green Bay onto victory. But, in football, like life there are no guarantees. Someone is bound to fumble or miss a catch, the quarterback may be caught off guard. But the game [life] will go on.. The players will adjust and the game will continue. I have to admit today my money is on both the Packers and Patrick. We've taken some licks but are still looking for victory.
Go Green Bay beat Pittsburgh........Go Patrick beat Cancer.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Not just people
Today, I went home for the first time in three day. It was a relief to drive into my own driveway. After assessing the damage of the "winter blast" I realized I would need to find someone to haul off one half of a tree and a substantial limb from another. Finding a person is really not that hard. Finding a person who will cut the limbs up to the size and weight specified by the department of sanitation and bind them with twine can be the hard part. They will drive right by if it it not to specifications. Oddly, these are the same people who when my father put some recycling in a non-approved container as our other was full passed them up. My dad had carefully written Al cans on the side. When I explained to him that many of the sanitation workers did not speak English, he responded, "Al is the international symbol for aluminum." I had to snicker when these men came by the house and I overheard one say in broken English. "NO, NO, those Al's." I do have to admit that I have been known to sneak "heavy" trash into my garbage cans. Yes, I trick our sanitation engineers from time to time. It simply blows my mind to think that I can't simply throw trash away. Several years ago our homeowners association actually sent out a letter to everyone explaining the proper way to dispose of glass. It has to be bagged and taped. Really???? How much did that cost??? But I digress.
As I opened the car door I was met with a melodious sound. OOOOOOOOO, Arf, Arf, Ouf, Ouf, I tell you the reception I was met with when I opened the door was short of amazing. Growing up I always had animals lots of cats and a dog. We were poor and my parents couldn't afford to spay an neuter. But, I loved them all. When my husband and I got married, he would not let me take my beloved golden shepherd Precious with us. Maybe had he allowed this, I would not be the animal whisperer I am today. Our litter consists of 4 dogs and 1 cat. Upon entering the house Kitten, original huh, met me at the back door and rolled on her stomach. I reached down and picked her up. Gosh that purr felt so good to hear. She is the one whose life has been least altered by this illness. She is the first cat that has taken a shine to Patrick. During the day she does not leave his side. She will perch on the tub while he showers, sit in the recliners in our bedroom while he naps and sleeps on the foot of his blanket when he naps on the sofa. At night she feels the need to kneed my stomach and legs. She gets three cans of real tuna a week and is rotten to the core. Now let me introduce the dogs. Missy our oldest is our 16 year old Boston Terrier who is deaf and blind. She is on a special diet because she can't digest animal protein. I spend a ton of money on her food. Next is our Pug, Buffy, the Thug Pug. Somewhere along the way, Buffy became the Alpha dog and bullies everyone. However, she can be so lovable. About two years ago, Patrick felt he wanted a male dog to bond with-enter Buddy the rescue Pug. He is a Roley poley ball of love who is happy just to snuggle with you. Finally, we have Mr. C. You know when some people talk of an inheritance they are speaking of a heirloom or money. Not me, Mr. C was willed to me by my father-in-law on his death bed. After my parents died I developed a very special relationship with Bob, he became my dad too. On the last night when he and I were alone, he told me I had to promise to take care of Mr. C (and after a real pregnant pause) and Pat. Of course, but you are going to get better. He died the next morning. Since I got married, we have not done large dogs. Large dogs, large land mines. Not into it. Mr. C is a labradoodle. When I was growing up those were considered Mutts, now they are designer dogs. I couldn't help but snicker when the Obama's were considering one of theses beasts for their daughters. 85 pounds of energy and they are not very bright. Mine has has irritable bowel syndrome and leaves rather large land mines every time we enter the dog obedience classes. Needless to say, we did not pass. In fact, I was so mortified we dropped out. As I opened their kennels they bounded out each jumping and licking me like I had been gone for a year. We have people come by and let them out twice a day, but it isn't the same for them.
They can no longer run willy-nilly around the house. They have to say in the den area and only when I am home. They can't be out when Patrick is out. They no longer can sleep in our bedroom but must be kenneled at night something they are not used to doing. But for me they are a source of normalcy. I know that each day Mr. C will try to steal something off the counter, Buffy will jump up and watch TV with me and Buddy will snuggle on the other side. These are things I can count on each day. From them there is unconditional love. I feel like they know I am sad. And it is their job to love me back to me.
I guess where this is leading is the fact that cancer effects everything even the least of the members of your family. Yet, they can be some of the most important. They can provide a way to relax and feel like you still have control over something. With Patrick, Kitten has become his buddy. He misses the dogs but knows one day he will be able to love on them again. She loves on him and for now that makes him very happy.
As I opened the car door I was met with a melodious sound. OOOOOOOOO, Arf, Arf, Ouf, Ouf, I tell you the reception I was met with when I opened the door was short of amazing. Growing up I always had animals lots of cats and a dog. We were poor and my parents couldn't afford to spay an neuter. But, I loved them all. When my husband and I got married, he would not let me take my beloved golden shepherd Precious with us. Maybe had he allowed this, I would not be the animal whisperer I am today. Our litter consists of 4 dogs and 1 cat. Upon entering the house Kitten, original huh, met me at the back door and rolled on her stomach. I reached down and picked her up. Gosh that purr felt so good to hear. She is the one whose life has been least altered by this illness. She is the first cat that has taken a shine to Patrick. During the day she does not leave his side. She will perch on the tub while he showers, sit in the recliners in our bedroom while he naps and sleeps on the foot of his blanket when he naps on the sofa. At night she feels the need to kneed my stomach and legs. She gets three cans of real tuna a week and is rotten to the core. Now let me introduce the dogs. Missy our oldest is our 16 year old Boston Terrier who is deaf and blind. She is on a special diet because she can't digest animal protein. I spend a ton of money on her food. Next is our Pug, Buffy, the Thug Pug. Somewhere along the way, Buffy became the Alpha dog and bullies everyone. However, she can be so lovable. About two years ago, Patrick felt he wanted a male dog to bond with-enter Buddy the rescue Pug. He is a Roley poley ball of love who is happy just to snuggle with you. Finally, we have Mr. C. You know when some people talk of an inheritance they are speaking of a heirloom or money. Not me, Mr. C was willed to me by my father-in-law on his death bed. After my parents died I developed a very special relationship with Bob, he became my dad too. On the last night when he and I were alone, he told me I had to promise to take care of Mr. C (and after a real pregnant pause) and Pat. Of course, but you are going to get better. He died the next morning. Since I got married, we have not done large dogs. Large dogs, large land mines. Not into it. Mr. C is a labradoodle. When I was growing up those were considered Mutts, now they are designer dogs. I couldn't help but snicker when the Obama's were considering one of theses beasts for their daughters. 85 pounds of energy and they are not very bright. Mine has has irritable bowel syndrome and leaves rather large land mines every time we enter the dog obedience classes. Needless to say, we did not pass. In fact, I was so mortified we dropped out. As I opened their kennels they bounded out each jumping and licking me like I had been gone for a year. We have people come by and let them out twice a day, but it isn't the same for them.
They can no longer run willy-nilly around the house. They have to say in the den area and only when I am home. They can't be out when Patrick is out. They no longer can sleep in our bedroom but must be kenneled at night something they are not used to doing. But for me they are a source of normalcy. I know that each day Mr. C will try to steal something off the counter, Buffy will jump up and watch TV with me and Buddy will snuggle on the other side. These are things I can count on each day. From them there is unconditional love. I feel like they know I am sad. And it is their job to love me back to me.
I guess where this is leading is the fact that cancer effects everything even the least of the members of your family. Yet, they can be some of the most important. They can provide a way to relax and feel like you still have control over something. With Patrick, Kitten has become his buddy. He misses the dogs but knows one day he will be able to love on them again. She loves on him and for now that makes him very happy.
Friday, February 4, 2011
New Day New Beginnings
It is an unusual day for Texas. It is 28 degrees and for Houston, well we don't handle this kind of cold well. I haven't written in a couple of days. Things have kind of been crazy. Patrick had stopped eating and he was getting to be very difficult to live with as a person. They call this chemo brain. He has difficulty remembering things. And, no matter how nicely you remind him he will still snap your head off. I have noticed that this only seems to happen to those in the family. Others are not subject to the wrath of Pat. So, needless to say, I was very thankful that the doctors admitted him early. But I am getting ahead of myself.
Every Wednesday I am privileged to have almost 2 hours of lunch duty. Yes, I who have a 140 IQ & two Master's degrees actually push a trash can around a cafeteria full of teenagers. Often I think many were raised in barns and should never have been weened from sippy cups. They spill a lot. I'm pretty sure that I may be one of the few duty personnel who actually push a can around. But, my cafeteria is near spotless on Wednesday. And, believe it or not this is actually a high point of my week. I get to talk to students and get to know other kids besides those on my case load. So, Wednesday is actually my favorite day of the week. This Wednesday was a bit different. At the end of the day, I realized I really did not want to go home. I knew that no matter how good of mood I was in my evening would end the same way- being chewed up and spit out for apparently no reason and alone. I don't know whether it was a gut feeling or just a need to be alone to center myself, messing around on my computer seemed like the thing to do. When it got to around 4:30 I decided it was time to head home. Our daughter called me on my way home, which was not unusual, we talk everyday on my way home. Today she warned me about her father. "He is on a tear." And, boy was she right.
That evening he got angry when I reminded him of an event that he did not remember. And, if you know me personally, the joke is that to some I seem rude and abrupt. It's not that, I am quite and if I don't know you I really don't have a lot to say. And furthermore, I tend to be very honest-not in a mean way- but honest. I don't sugar coat things, but I do help provide a pillow and a way to not feel like you have been dropped off a building. So, I reminded him in a kind and gentle manner. Don't you remember blah blah. He went off. Those of you who know me intimately know that I have seen him do some pretty stupid things, but I have never seen him violent. He was so angry that he actually threw the phone across the room. Stormed out of the room slamming doors and closed himself up in our bedroom. I did not follow. My training as a counselor told me to let him have some time to think. After about an hour he realized what he had done and apologized. However, this to me was a wake up call to both of us. The next day, he put in a call to MDA and let his doctor know how bad he was really feeling.
In addition, a friend of mine who is going through her own personal battle told me about the mymda account. I was able to set it up and I could see his appointments. This will help him in the future. When I called to tell him about it he said that he had called the doctor and they had instructed him to go get some blood work taken. He would know in about an hour or around 11:30 if he needed a transfusion or what. By 1 he was headed to the hospital to be admitted for chemo. As the weather began to change I began to pray, "Please Lord, let them call school for tomorrow." My prayer was answered. I don't have to burn a day. I finished the day and got things together then made my way to the hospital. I was met by the manager of valet parking. He informed me that I was here for the night. Great, I am prepared. I have my computer and all my student files that I need to work on. I think the poor little guy wasn't prepared for the weight of my suitcase. I am a very good packer.
I arrived in the hospital with a sense of dread. I hate hospitals but I love my husband more so I suck it up and don't complain. I think they smell funny. But, this seemed different. I didn't notice the smell. People were smiling even those pushing poles of chemo drugs around. I made my way to the room. It is huge. The room is twice the size of our master bedroom. Floors are wood-look vinyl. It feels more like a home. I have a real couch that pulls out into a full size twin bed. No metal bars on my back. I have my own TV so I don't have to watch what Patrick is watching. Food is ordered through room service. It is awesome. I can even have a tray delivered. So, as much as I loved the staff at St. Luke's I do have to admit the digs here are much better. Doctor's and nurses funneled in out out until around 11 pm. After that I had a wonder nights sleep. Patrick still did not sleep well but he was being pumped with fluids. This morning we awoke to ice on the freeway. Ice cripples Houston, we do heat really well.....cold not so much. Even though the hospital is short staffed the people are very nice and accommodating. We are now waiting on starting a new regimen of treatment. It's not experimental. Patrick won't be a lab rat- just a rat. I am feeling better. I have hope. I have faith, more than a mustard seed (thanks Jan). There are so many things for which I have to be thankful....my family, my friends, my life, and heck even my pets. It is a new day, with new hope, renewed faith and love. Make the best of today no matter where you are.
Every Wednesday I am privileged to have almost 2 hours of lunch duty. Yes, I who have a 140 IQ & two Master's degrees actually push a trash can around a cafeteria full of teenagers. Often I think many were raised in barns and should never have been weened from sippy cups. They spill a lot. I'm pretty sure that I may be one of the few duty personnel who actually push a can around. But, my cafeteria is near spotless on Wednesday. And, believe it or not this is actually a high point of my week. I get to talk to students and get to know other kids besides those on my case load. So, Wednesday is actually my favorite day of the week. This Wednesday was a bit different. At the end of the day, I realized I really did not want to go home. I knew that no matter how good of mood I was in my evening would end the same way- being chewed up and spit out for apparently no reason and alone. I don't know whether it was a gut feeling or just a need to be alone to center myself, messing around on my computer seemed like the thing to do. When it got to around 4:30 I decided it was time to head home. Our daughter called me on my way home, which was not unusual, we talk everyday on my way home. Today she warned me about her father. "He is on a tear." And, boy was she right.
That evening he got angry when I reminded him of an event that he did not remember. And, if you know me personally, the joke is that to some I seem rude and abrupt. It's not that, I am quite and if I don't know you I really don't have a lot to say. And furthermore, I tend to be very honest-not in a mean way- but honest. I don't sugar coat things, but I do help provide a pillow and a way to not feel like you have been dropped off a building. So, I reminded him in a kind and gentle manner. Don't you remember blah blah. He went off. Those of you who know me intimately know that I have seen him do some pretty stupid things, but I have never seen him violent. He was so angry that he actually threw the phone across the room. Stormed out of the room slamming doors and closed himself up in our bedroom. I did not follow. My training as a counselor told me to let him have some time to think. After about an hour he realized what he had done and apologized. However, this to me was a wake up call to both of us. The next day, he put in a call to MDA and let his doctor know how bad he was really feeling.
In addition, a friend of mine who is going through her own personal battle told me about the mymda account. I was able to set it up and I could see his appointments. This will help him in the future. When I called to tell him about it he said that he had called the doctor and they had instructed him to go get some blood work taken. He would know in about an hour or around 11:30 if he needed a transfusion or what. By 1 he was headed to the hospital to be admitted for chemo. As the weather began to change I began to pray, "Please Lord, let them call school for tomorrow." My prayer was answered. I don't have to burn a day. I finished the day and got things together then made my way to the hospital. I was met by the manager of valet parking. He informed me that I was here for the night. Great, I am prepared. I have my computer and all my student files that I need to work on. I think the poor little guy wasn't prepared for the weight of my suitcase. I am a very good packer.
I arrived in the hospital with a sense of dread. I hate hospitals but I love my husband more so I suck it up and don't complain. I think they smell funny. But, this seemed different. I didn't notice the smell. People were smiling even those pushing poles of chemo drugs around. I made my way to the room. It is huge. The room is twice the size of our master bedroom. Floors are wood-look vinyl. It feels more like a home. I have a real couch that pulls out into a full size twin bed. No metal bars on my back. I have my own TV so I don't have to watch what Patrick is watching. Food is ordered through room service. It is awesome. I can even have a tray delivered. So, as much as I loved the staff at St. Luke's I do have to admit the digs here are much better. Doctor's and nurses funneled in out out until around 11 pm. After that I had a wonder nights sleep. Patrick still did not sleep well but he was being pumped with fluids. This morning we awoke to ice on the freeway. Ice cripples Houston, we do heat really well.....cold not so much. Even though the hospital is short staffed the people are very nice and accommodating. We are now waiting on starting a new regimen of treatment. It's not experimental. Patrick won't be a lab rat- just a rat. I am feeling better. I have hope. I have faith, more than a mustard seed (thanks Jan). There are so many things for which I have to be thankful....my family, my friends, my life, and heck even my pets. It is a new day, with new hope, renewed faith and love. Make the best of today no matter where you are.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
World on a String
I love movies. No, I mean I really, really love movies. I haven't been "out" to one in a while but my On Demand bill is larger than I would like. On occasion especially when I am working with kids, I often reference movies they like.....yeah I even watched that Twilight stuff. I wasn't real impressed, but the kids thought it was cool that I could talk with them about it. My tastes have always leaned toward science fiction so I really prefer X-Files type movies. I guess I really do believe that the truth is out there. That is what I an choosing to believe.
You know there are times when you can feel like you are an actor in a grand play. Funny thing is you don't know your lines you're are just ad libbing--reacting to things around you. Waiting for the director to yell, "Cut". And, at time, we want to have the opportunity to replay a scene-to add more emotion to change the outcome. Unfortunately we don't have that chance. We only get one take in our play. Each scene must be played to out best ability. It matters what we say, how we make people feel. We get one shot at life here on earth. So we need to make our performance matter. We need to make people feel like they matter. Words are powerful.....bit not just the words but how we say them. Too often we forget that. Words are said in haste, in anger....we can no more take them back than if we were to go to the top of a tall building and rip open a feather pillow, then try to find all the feathers. I would love to take credit for that analogy but I heard it years go. So, we need to make sure that we make the best of each day. We can never tell our loved ones how much they mean to us. I am blessed to have not just my family, My husband, my best friend, has his own journey. We have no guarantees about any treatment. Heck we don't even know what they are going to do. We are just waiting for the director to say, Action." I am immensely proud of my children. My daughter is the kind of person you can't help but fall in love with-she's my Julia Roberts or Anne Hathaway.. She is witty, smart and bubbly. I personally think she is beautiful..but I am her mom so what do I know. I see her as a fairy princess. My son, my James Dean, I see as the rebel without a cause. Then other times he is Harrison Ford, adventurous and always fighting for the underdog. And our newest member, my beautiful daughter-in-law. She is my Audry Hepburn classic beauty and able to tame James Dean. As a family we must now give an Oscar winning performance. In addition there is a whole cast of characters who are helping us threw each scene. Our friends are amazing. Prayers and kind words lift us up more than you know. It makes you see how we are really all connected. We are all in this Grand Play together. Whether you are a comedian or one who holds our hands as we take some unknown steps. You are all part of it and never forget you are appreciated.
One of my favorite movie scenes is at the end of Men in Black. The locker opens up and the ball that was around the cat's neck shows the universe. Then the camera pans out and shows that the universe is really part of another universe and so on. I guess the point of tonight's blog is that we sometimes see ourselves as our own world on a string. But we are not our world is attached to another which is attached to another.. And in times when we need others isn't that a wonderful thought.
You know there are times when you can feel like you are an actor in a grand play. Funny thing is you don't know your lines you're are just ad libbing--reacting to things around you. Waiting for the director to yell, "Cut". And, at time, we want to have the opportunity to replay a scene-to add more emotion to change the outcome. Unfortunately we don't have that chance. We only get one take in our play. Each scene must be played to out best ability. It matters what we say, how we make people feel. We get one shot at life here on earth. So we need to make our performance matter. We need to make people feel like they matter. Words are powerful.....bit not just the words but how we say them. Too often we forget that. Words are said in haste, in anger....we can no more take them back than if we were to go to the top of a tall building and rip open a feather pillow, then try to find all the feathers. I would love to take credit for that analogy but I heard it years go. So, we need to make sure that we make the best of each day. We can never tell our loved ones how much they mean to us. I am blessed to have not just my family, My husband, my best friend, has his own journey. We have no guarantees about any treatment. Heck we don't even know what they are going to do. We are just waiting for the director to say, Action." I am immensely proud of my children. My daughter is the kind of person you can't help but fall in love with-she's my Julia Roberts or Anne Hathaway.. She is witty, smart and bubbly. I personally think she is beautiful..but I am her mom so what do I know. I see her as a fairy princess. My son, my James Dean, I see as the rebel without a cause. Then other times he is Harrison Ford, adventurous and always fighting for the underdog. And our newest member, my beautiful daughter-in-law. She is my Audry Hepburn classic beauty and able to tame James Dean. As a family we must now give an Oscar winning performance. In addition there is a whole cast of characters who are helping us threw each scene. Our friends are amazing. Prayers and kind words lift us up more than you know. It makes you see how we are really all connected. We are all in this Grand Play together. Whether you are a comedian or one who holds our hands as we take some unknown steps. You are all part of it and never forget you are appreciated.
One of my favorite movie scenes is at the end of Men in Black. The locker opens up and the ball that was around the cat's neck shows the universe. Then the camera pans out and shows that the universe is really part of another universe and so on. I guess the point of tonight's blog is that we sometimes see ourselves as our own world on a string. But we are not our world is attached to another which is attached to another.. And in times when we need others isn't that a wonderful thought.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Being an English Teacher Prepares You for Life
Although I proudly serve as a counselor now, it was not too long ago (at least I like to think so) that I was in front of a classroom teaching resource English. I believe that that to this day has to be my favorite subject. In high school, I had an amazing English teacher Sister Bernadette. I will never forget her. She must have been 1,000 years old if a day (no I am serious). She was very frail and had more wrinkles than my pug Buddy. She was scary at first, but once you got to know her she captivated your heart. That was when I decided that I wanted to teach English. One day she told me that writing was the greatest gift she could give me. And, she was one of the first to tell me that I had a real gift for the written word. Over the years I let that go by the wayside. Only to find it again as an adult. I have a half-written great American novel, several short stories, and numerous poems that I have scribbled down over the years. Yes, most are on regular "college-rule" notebook paper. Sister Bernadette told us that life was a great adventure and if you looked around you would see all sorts of literary techniques playing out right before your eyes.
Now that leads me to where this blog is going. Foreshadowing can be seen in literature, it can be seen in movies and in life. Today was icky here. I had spent time this morning making sure my hair was perfect. Okay, I know but for me it was perfect. I took one step out side and I could actually hear my hair frizz. Fisssss, fisss. I looked in the mirror- oh well, not going to strut my stuff on the cat walk today, so off to work I go. I had trouble concentrating knowing that this was "the afternoon" when we met with the oncologist from MD Anderson. Although the day was not a total wash. I did get an awesome new purse and sunglasses. It wasn't exactly great. There was just an overwhelming feeling of dread hanging over me. I should have recognized the foreshadowing.
I think both Patrick and I expected something different. We wanted the doctor to come in and say, "I studied your case carefully and here is what we are going to do. We start tomorrow and you will get well." Unfortunately that is not what we got. We were informed that Mantle cell in not curable and it can return. He said there were many options and several clinical trial. Great, my husband the lab rat. "Human experimentation and laboratory studies" were how the doctor put it. I felt like I had been hit in the stomach. Don't cry was all I kept telling myself. You have to be strong. Well, to be honest I have never been an exceptionally good Scarlett O'Hara so I felt the tears roll down my cheek in a silent cry. I wanted to grab that doctor and say look this is a man who I care deeply for and you aren't helping us. I need some kind of straw to grasp. All I kept thinking was why??? Why now, We have weathered some horrible storms from the death of a child and both sets of our parents, to marital woes, to empty nest. It was supposed to be our time now. Why can't I have this? But, there are no answers. We can't beat our self up for the things we might not ever be able to do. Nor, can we fill our lives with regret for the things we never did. All we can do is live each day to it's fullest. Trust in the Lord and pray for the best. It's like Sister Bernadette told me once, "Being an English teacher prepares you for life you open yourself up to all possibilities." Yes, it does. Life is an adventure that we may never know the ending because we don't write it. That is for the reader to decide.
Now that leads me to where this blog is going. Foreshadowing can be seen in literature, it can be seen in movies and in life. Today was icky here. I had spent time this morning making sure my hair was perfect. Okay, I know but for me it was perfect. I took one step out side and I could actually hear my hair frizz. Fisssss, fisss. I looked in the mirror- oh well, not going to strut my stuff on the cat walk today, so off to work I go. I had trouble concentrating knowing that this was "the afternoon" when we met with the oncologist from MD Anderson. Although the day was not a total wash. I did get an awesome new purse and sunglasses. It wasn't exactly great. There was just an overwhelming feeling of dread hanging over me. I should have recognized the foreshadowing.
I think both Patrick and I expected something different. We wanted the doctor to come in and say, "I studied your case carefully and here is what we are going to do. We start tomorrow and you will get well." Unfortunately that is not what we got. We were informed that Mantle cell in not curable and it can return. He said there were many options and several clinical trial. Great, my husband the lab rat. "Human experimentation and laboratory studies" were how the doctor put it. I felt like I had been hit in the stomach. Don't cry was all I kept telling myself. You have to be strong. Well, to be honest I have never been an exceptionally good Scarlett O'Hara so I felt the tears roll down my cheek in a silent cry. I wanted to grab that doctor and say look this is a man who I care deeply for and you aren't helping us. I need some kind of straw to grasp. All I kept thinking was why??? Why now, We have weathered some horrible storms from the death of a child and both sets of our parents, to marital woes, to empty nest. It was supposed to be our time now. Why can't I have this? But, there are no answers. We can't beat our self up for the things we might not ever be able to do. Nor, can we fill our lives with regret for the things we never did. All we can do is live each day to it's fullest. Trust in the Lord and pray for the best. It's like Sister Bernadette told me once, "Being an English teacher prepares you for life you open yourself up to all possibilities." Yes, it does. Life is an adventure that we may never know the ending because we don't write it. That is for the reader to decide.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sunny Day Clear Skies
Have you ever really thought obout how much faith we put in the weather man on our local TV stations? Today is an amazing Texas day. The day was predicted to be cold and very rainy. In fact 80% chance of ran. It started of rainy but not as bad as had been predicted. Now it it 79 and not a cloud in the sky. For January, I have the door open to let the dogs run back and forth-amazing. I should be relaxed and mellow. But, unfortunately, I am not. You see, in my bedroom, my husband of 30 years is napping. He tires easily. He has Mantle Cell Lymphoma, a highly aggressive cancer. We have been battling this since September 15. It has turned our lives upside down. When he was first diagnosed our doctors were confident that they could "cure" him. To quote, "I am not talking treatment, I am talking cure." That was several months ago and today we sit at day one ......again. The confident doctors have been perplexed by my husband's response to treatment. So much so, that he has been turned over to MD Anderson. Well, some say this is a good thing, others say why didn't you start out there. You know who is to say what is right and hind sight is always 20/20. But who is to say things would have been different had we started out there. No one really knows.
That is what brings me here. There are days I feel so alone. My family is very blessed and I should not feel that way. In fact, there are days I feel very guilty for feeling like this. I had never really thought about writing a blog..it seemed kind of silly. But, the more I thought about it the more I wanted to put my feelings down. If for no other reason to let others know they are not alone. Why call this Shattered Dreams.....well that is what cancer does to a family.....It shatters dreams....it changes things. Roles of individual shift.....people take on different dynamics. As for me, I was beginning to see the end of a career as a guidance counselor. Only three more years and I could retire. We could travel and do things together. Now that future is not a secure as it was 6 months ago. We have faced so many challenges since this began. My husband was determined to make it to our son's wedding in December. Since his diagnosis he has spent most of each month in the hospital. In October, he had a reaction to one of the chemo drugs that caused acute renal failure. He had to be put on emergency kidney dialysis for a week. He came through with no kidney damage- amazingly. In November, his spleen exploded. I barely got him to the hospital. While trying to stablize him in ICU he coded and was gone for 3 minutes. Believe it or not it was one month to the day from our son's wedding. Once again no damage. But, he did make it. However, the afternoon of the wedding things began to go bad rather quickly. Since then he has been in the hospital twice and his doctor's finally had to admit he was more than they could handle. We are now with MD Anderson and playing a waiting game. Each day I know the cancer is taking hold of more of my husband. Some days are good. But there is no predicting when those will be. Tomorrow we have an appointment with his new oncologist to discuss the results of his latest PET scan and what course of treatment they are going to take. This time the doctor did not say cure. He was excited that there was no kidney damage and began to talk about some experimental treatments and new drugs they had available to them. When he was talking to us I did a good job of looking optimistic. I have to be for my husband. But, I am so scared. there are no words to describe how I feel the unnow. I have to put paith in these doctors like I put in the weather man. We put our lives and plans in the hands of someone who we know little about other than: (1) The person went to school to learn specifically about this (2) They should be good, they make a boat load of money and (3) what is our other choice? Amazing what these have in common
That is what brings me here. There are days I feel so alone. My family is very blessed and I should not feel that way. In fact, there are days I feel very guilty for feeling like this. I had never really thought about writing a blog..it seemed kind of silly. But, the more I thought about it the more I wanted to put my feelings down. If for no other reason to let others know they are not alone. Why call this Shattered Dreams.....well that is what cancer does to a family.....It shatters dreams....it changes things. Roles of individual shift.....people take on different dynamics. As for me, I was beginning to see the end of a career as a guidance counselor. Only three more years and I could retire. We could travel and do things together. Now that future is not a secure as it was 6 months ago. We have faced so many challenges since this began. My husband was determined to make it to our son's wedding in December. Since his diagnosis he has spent most of each month in the hospital. In October, he had a reaction to one of the chemo drugs that caused acute renal failure. He had to be put on emergency kidney dialysis for a week. He came through with no kidney damage- amazingly. In November, his spleen exploded. I barely got him to the hospital. While trying to stablize him in ICU he coded and was gone for 3 minutes. Believe it or not it was one month to the day from our son's wedding. Once again no damage. But, he did make it. However, the afternoon of the wedding things began to go bad rather quickly. Since then he has been in the hospital twice and his doctor's finally had to admit he was more than they could handle. We are now with MD Anderson and playing a waiting game. Each day I know the cancer is taking hold of more of my husband. Some days are good. But there is no predicting when those will be. Tomorrow we have an appointment with his new oncologist to discuss the results of his latest PET scan and what course of treatment they are going to take. This time the doctor did not say cure. He was excited that there was no kidney damage and began to talk about some experimental treatments and new drugs they had available to them. When he was talking to us I did a good job of looking optimistic. I have to be for my husband. But, I am so scared. there are no words to describe how I feel the unnow. I have to put paith in these doctors like I put in the weather man. We put our lives and plans in the hands of someone who we know little about other than: (1) The person went to school to learn specifically about this (2) They should be good, they make a boat load of money and (3) what is our other choice? Amazing what these have in common
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
